When Life Looks Like Easy Street, There is Danger at your Door
Last week, at about this time, i was feeling good. Amazingly good. Like i just realized i had the power to feel happy all the time and just then discovered how. I wasn't worried about money. I wasn't annoyed with work. And i could have been, i just decided not to be. I was on the brink of a road trip, of an exciting life change. My debt was paid off, i had a good car, a plan. And for some reason, my happiness felt independent of these things. I felt as though i could still be thousands of dollars in debt and car-less and bound in iowa and i would still be happy. This happiness was all manifested in the new life philosophy i took on which i can't describe any better than the "everything is going to be all right" philosophy. And it worked. I mean i really felt good. Yet still, i couldn't shake this feeling that something bad was going to happen. I tried to shake the feeling, telling myself it's all a self-fulfilling prophecy and that if i worry that something bad is going to happen, not only will it, but i will spend all that time leading up to the doom worrying about it, wondering what it is going to be. So i let it go, telling myself, again and again that everything is going to be all right. And even if it's not going to be all right, it's alright now, so stop worrying about problems that don't even exist.
Then they started to exist. My car was having a slight problem with its get up and go. Something i didn't think twice about, but that my dad convinced me to have looked at before i get on the road and break down in the middle of South Dakota. So i do, figuring it just needs like a transmission flush or something. But it's a problem, a big one. An expensive one. The kind where my mechanic looked at me with sympathy when he told me then stood there with a frown as if he wanted to give me a hug, do something to make it all better. This isn't a big deal, right? It's just a car. Everything is going to be fine. But they couldn't even fix it. I had to take it to a dealer, something about the All Wheel Drive. Something that is going to take days. Parts need to be ordered. It'll cost over a grand. It'll be over half the amount of money i have saved for the trip and it will take days out of the trip. Maybe one, maybe four. So we have to cut out some of the national parks i wanted to camp in along the way so we can be in BC by the wedding. The Grand Tetons, the Bitteroot Mountains maybe, I've never been to either one. And as for the money it'll cost. I just don't have it. I mean i have it, but not to spare, not if i expect to really move across the country within the week. So that means i have to put it on a credit card. You know, the one i just spent the last nine months paying off? Yeah, that one.
So i'm back in credit debt and i'm unemployed as of today. I'm bummed about the days I'll be sitting here waiting when i could be out in the forests of the mountain west. Whereas last week i felt on top of things. More on top of my financial situation than i ever have before, like to the point where i thought maybe i could really stop worrying about money. Now i just remember what it felt like to be constantly poor. The not sleeping because i'm up thinking about money, about debt, about a future continuously in poverty. And i try to get the other feeling back. The happy feeling i had last week. The one that i thought was entirely wihin myself and not at all tied to the situations around me. And i can't get it. I can't find it. I think to myself, Damn, i can't get the breaks. I'm just not one of those lucky people.
Then they started to exist. My car was having a slight problem with its get up and go. Something i didn't think twice about, but that my dad convinced me to have looked at before i get on the road and break down in the middle of South Dakota. So i do, figuring it just needs like a transmission flush or something. But it's a problem, a big one. An expensive one. The kind where my mechanic looked at me with sympathy when he told me then stood there with a frown as if he wanted to give me a hug, do something to make it all better. This isn't a big deal, right? It's just a car. Everything is going to be fine. But they couldn't even fix it. I had to take it to a dealer, something about the All Wheel Drive. Something that is going to take days. Parts need to be ordered. It'll cost over a grand. It'll be over half the amount of money i have saved for the trip and it will take days out of the trip. Maybe one, maybe four. So we have to cut out some of the national parks i wanted to camp in along the way so we can be in BC by the wedding. The Grand Tetons, the Bitteroot Mountains maybe, I've never been to either one. And as for the money it'll cost. I just don't have it. I mean i have it, but not to spare, not if i expect to really move across the country within the week. So that means i have to put it on a credit card. You know, the one i just spent the last nine months paying off? Yeah, that one.
So i'm back in credit debt and i'm unemployed as of today. I'm bummed about the days I'll be sitting here waiting when i could be out in the forests of the mountain west. Whereas last week i felt on top of things. More on top of my financial situation than i ever have before, like to the point where i thought maybe i could really stop worrying about money. Now i just remember what it felt like to be constantly poor. The not sleeping because i'm up thinking about money, about debt, about a future continuously in poverty. And i try to get the other feeling back. The happy feeling i had last week. The one that i thought was entirely wihin myself and not at all tied to the situations around me. And i can't get it. I can't find it. I think to myself, Damn, i can't get the breaks. I'm just not one of those lucky people.
posted by mandy at 12:34 PM
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